Things You May Find Yourself Doing While Going through a Separation or Divorce

1. Break down crying in the homewares section of your local Macy's, with two packs of 800 thread count sheets clutched to your bosom. 
2. Punch and scream obscenities at your mattress while making the bed. 
3. Imagine running over your ex-husband's penis.
4. Imagine punching your ex-husband's new "girlfriend" in the face. Twice.
5. Wake up at 2:00 a.m. filled with rage and alternate between crying and plotting revenge until 4:00 a.m. For an entire week.
6. Stop eating and lose massive amounts of weight (yay!) until you begin binge eating and blow up like a Thanksgiving parade float (boo!).
7. Alternate between not wanting to know a thing about the person your partner had an affair with to scanning his Facebook, LinkedIn, and Twitter accounts to see if you can figure out who that bitch is. 
8. Bore your friends and family to death by going over every nuance of every single interaction you have with your ex, ad nauseum.
9. Take all your partner's whiskey glasses and prized Cuban cigars and throw them in the trash. Cackle like a madwoman and then start crying. Repeat. 
10. Feel more pleasure than you probably should when a friend tells you your ex-husband's girlfriend looks like a skanky ho. Be sure to let him know as well.
11. Pour bleach all over his prize rose bushes (I can't take credit for this one but it happened to the friend of a friend).
12. Read a book about parenting through divorce and realize you've already broken more than half the rules and have probably single handedly doomed your children to a lifetime of therapy.
13. Buy a brand new wardrobe, a $350 purse, a new iPhone, and a laptop using money from your joint account. When your ex complains, ask him if he's willing to reimburse you for all the expenses from his time with his mistress. Hang up on him in the ensuing silence. 
14. Create an anonymous blog that allows you to vent about your loser husband and hope someone out there is actually reading this thing and finding some humor in your personal hell.