Things You May Find Yourself Doing While Going through a Separation or Divorce

1. Break down crying in the homewares section of your local Macy's, with two packs of 800 thread count sheets clutched to your bosom. 
2. Punch and scream obscenities at your mattress while making the bed. 
3. Imagine running over your ex-husband's penis.
4. Imagine punching your ex-husband's new "girlfriend" in the face. Twice.
5. Wake up at 2:00 a.m. filled with rage and alternate between crying and plotting revenge until 4:00 a.m. For an entire week.
6. Stop eating and lose massive amounts of weight (yay!) until you begin binge eating and blow up like a Thanksgiving parade float (boo!).
7. Alternate between not wanting to know a thing about the person your partner had an affair with to scanning his Facebook, LinkedIn, and Twitter accounts to see if you can figure out who that bitch is. 
8. Bore your friends and family to death by going over every nuance of every single interaction you have with your ex, ad nauseum.
9. Take all your partner's whiskey glasses and prized Cuban cigars and throw them in the trash. Cackle like a madwoman and then start crying. Repeat. 
10. Feel more pleasure than you probably should when a friend tells you your ex-husband's girlfriend looks like a skanky ho. Be sure to let him know as well.
11. Pour bleach all over his prize rose bushes (I can't take credit for this one but it happened to the friend of a friend).
12. Read a book about parenting through divorce and realize you've already broken more than half the rules and have probably single handedly doomed your children to a lifetime of therapy.
13. Buy a brand new wardrobe, a $350 purse, a new iPhone, and a laptop using money from your joint account. When your ex complains, ask him if he's willing to reimburse you for all the expenses from his time with his mistress. Hang up on him in the ensuing silence. 
14. Create an anonymous blog that allows you to vent about your loser husband and hope someone out there is actually reading this thing and finding some humor in your personal hell. 

An Open Letter to Unhappy Spouses: Or Five Reasons Not to Cheat

So.

Maybe you're in a loveless marriage...or maybe it's not that bad at all but you just had kids and your wife is too tired to pay attention to you and you're feeling lonely and neglected.

Or your husband works all the time and you feel ignored and bored.

Or you have a legitimately shitty marriage. Lots of fighting, or it's like living with a roommate.

Whatever your story, let's say you have reason to believe the only solution to your marital woes is to have an affair. Maybe you've even picked someone out. Someone who gets you hot and bothered and makes you feel alive in ways your current spouse hasn't for months or years.

I get it. It's a tough place to be, right?

Back at the ranch sits your own personal lump on a log who complains and nags or rarely picks up after himself or has an entire wardrobe consisting of stained sweatpants. And right there, yes...right in front of you, is sex on a stick. Someone who embodies everything you have always wanted in a romantic partner and this one is ripe for the picking.

What to do?

Well...I want to walk you through some of the realities of what happens in these situations. I'm not a therapist, nor am I a specialist in marital relations. But I have good reason to know why having an affair is a hell of a lot more work than it's cracked up to be.

First Point:
If you have children and you get caught cheating on your spouse, there will almost certainly come a time of reckoning. I'm not just talking about the inevitable chaos that will occur in the aftermath of an affair. The part where your kids start to wet their beds or bully kids at school because they are so stressed about the high conflict situation at home.

I'm talking about how at some point in the near or distant future, those children will find out about your actions and will have to try and understand how you, someone they held most dear in their hearts, could do something this shitty to the other parent and, as it turns out, to them. You, who always emphasized treating others with fairness and love. You, who reminded them to look before leaping and think carefully about how their actions might effect others. Your children will never be able to see you again in the same light. Likely they will forgive you for your transgressions. To err is human, after all. But they'll always wonder about you forever after, and question your motives.

And we're not even talking about the therapy hours your kids will rake up as adults thanks to the bond of trust you've broken. Because it's not just their relationship with you that has irrevocably changed. It's their romantic relationships with anyone that will be challenged. Because they've now learned that marriage = conflict and lies.

Second Point:
You WILL get caught. Whether it happens at your funeral when your mistress shows up to bid you a fond farewell. Or when your husband decides to come home early one afternoon to surprise you. The odds of being able to have an affair and not get caught are slim to nil. So before you decide to buy those condoms (please tell me you are using condoms) and meet someone at a secret location...sit down in front of a mirror, look yourself in the eyes, and tell yourself you are totally ok with your spouse discovering what's going on. Because they will.

Third Point:
I'd like to invite you to consider how your parents, your siblings, your friends, the parents at your child's school, the folks at church, your neighbors, the lady who cleans your house...pretty much anyone you have regular contact with, will take the news that you cheated on your partner, bailed on your kids, and continued to pursue a person who you met while you were--happily or unhappily--married. Because if you think no one is going to find out beyond your wronged spouse and her close friends and family, you are dead wrong. Cause that shit is going to spread like wildfire until it comes roaring back in your face with the heat of a thousand suns. So you better be damn sure the new love of your life is worth the trouble of having people look at you like you have a giant ass growing out of your left shoulder. And the same goes for the "other woman" or "other man". Very few but your most supportive and, let's call it like it is, clueless friends and family will welcome this person with open arms. So prepare yourself for a rather humiliating uphill climb.

Fourth Point:
Do you imagine you and your new love will skip merrily down the path together into a happily ever after? That this affair has a chance of lasting beyond the possible demise of your marriage? Time to wake up and smell the coffee.

Let's just say, for example, that the object of your affection knows you have a partner and kids. And he decides to throw caution to the wind and screw your brains out anyway. Or let's say she has no idea until you finally confess all...and she decides to stick around for the long haul anyway because, hell...why not? I don't care if this person works for Amnesty International and nurses orphaned puppies in his spare time. Someone who willingly engages in a relationship with a person who is married is someone who might as well have a giant sign on his or her forehead that says, "I am lacking good judgement and you should run from me as fast as you can."

And let's face it. Any relationship that starts out under false pretenses is doomed. Because once the thrill of the chase and the secrecy and the initial high wears off, and you're left sitting in the ashes of your ruined marriage, you'll also be left with someone who barely knows you and who has already shown him or herself to be minus a strong moral compass. And the truth is...getting into another relationship before you even have a chance to do a post-mortem on your previous relationship is asking for the same old shit to happen ALL OVER AGAIN. Only this time, you'll have a lot fewer people willing to support you because, even though they might not say it out loud, they'll be thinking you got what you deserve and isn't karma a bitch.

Fifth Point:
Let's say you have an affair and realize the gravity of your mistake and find that you really love your spouse and sincerely regret your actions. Let's say you toss the other person aside and beg your partner to take you back and promise to change. Well... good for you for at least making an attempt to repair the damage you did. But there are no guarantees you're going to be able to fix a damn thing. Because while recovery from an affair isn't impossible, it sure is hard. And it requires a level of maturity and patience and love that, well, you are probably lacking because if you'd had those in the first place, you wouldn't have cheated on your partner to begin with.

So. Where does this leave us? Maybe you've read all of the above but you still want to cheat on your spouse. You just can't resist.

I have some advice for you.

Grow a pair and have the courage to sit down with your current partner and tell him or her you are feeling strongly attracted to another man or woman and are worried you are going to act on it. But you respect and care for your partner too much to do that. Allow your partner to rant and rave. Allow him or her to suggest marital counseling or outright ask for a divorce. Take it all in stride and recognize that as tulmultuous as it might be for you for a little while, it's so much better than betraying someone (or, if you have kids, someones) who you care for, even if those feelings have changed over time.

You might find out your marriage is worth fighting for, after all. Or you might find out it's best to cut your losses and go your separate ways. Regardless, you will always be able to reflect back on how you handled things with respect and courage and know you did nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to apologize for, nothing to cause those who know you to shake their heads and say, "But he seemed like such a nice guy!"

And that's worth its weight in gold.

How to Tell When Your Marriage is REALLY over - Part TWO

Starting here? Be sure to read Part One first!

Thus followed a few surreal weeks during which the following things happened:

• After discovering him talking to the unknown woman (who I shall henceforth refer to as the Walking Vagina), I returned to bed and fell asleep, woke up the next morning, confronted him in the guest bathroom with the door closed so the kids wouldn’t hear, and kicked him out of the house. Then I waited for my mother to arrive and when she did, crawled into bed to cry on and off for the next several days.
• I insisted we take a previously scheduled family vacation to Mexico, with my mother and his father along for the ride. I wanted to do this for the kids who didn't deserve to have their fun time cancelled because of mommy and daddy's marital meltdown. We spent the entire 11-day trip in separate rooms on opposite sides of the resort with the kids bouncing between the two of us and our parents acting as go-betweens from either side. The girls had a blast. The adults did not. I did, however, take great pleasure in calling him a cheater and a liar just as we staggered out of the airport shuttle and into the hotel lobby. If I'd had a sequined dress and a glass of wine to throw at him, I am certain I would have looked exactly like an angry heiress from an 80s soap opera.
• During one late night sob fest, I decided to post a profile and photos of myself on a few online dating sites (mostly to boost my sagging ego...clearly I was in no position to date). Due to an unfortunate and bizarre incident likely fueled by not enough sleep and too much crying, I accidently cut and paste my online dating profile onto my daughters' school's Yelp! page (I am still not sure how it happened) where it sat for the most stressful and horrifying 10 minutes of my life until I was able to remove it. 

Once the miserable fog of shock and anger lifted, the dawning realization that I no longer had to deal with this man's issues took over and I entered a blissful limbo period where I continued to live at the house, spend our money, and take care of the kids. In other words, I was living exactly as I had before but minus the one thing that had been holding me back. 

Yet I still had no idea what the future held.

My husband, who was living a few miles away at the cottage of a friend, seemed lost and confused. He couldn't tell me if he wanted a divorce or not. The most I could get out of him was, “I don’t know. I’m too volatile right now.” He was barely functioning and suffering from hourly panic attacks and a streak of bad luck that included rear ending a truck at a stop sign and finding a mysterious lump on his chest. Whatever happened, I needed him to be stable and firing on all cylinders before we made any decisions about next steps.

And although I was feeling huge relief at his absence from my daily life, I surprisingly still didn’t know what I wanted. I hadn’t had a real job in over six years. I wasn’t too keen on jumping into full-time work, leaving behind my role as a full-time parent. Even if I could find a job, there was no guarantee I’d be lucky enough to get one that allowed me the flexibility I’d need to be a single parent AND the income I’d need to live in one of the most expensive areas in the U.S.

We spoke frequently during that time and he even came over to have dinner at the house once or twice. He began texting me daily to check in. I texted him photos of the kids and asked how he was doing. We hugged when we saw each other. It was all very cozy and amicable, considering the circumstances.

But still, I had no sense of direction, no clear answers about my future. I felt like I was waiting for a message from the universe to tell me what to do.

And so it did.

Which is where we get to the point of this two-part post.

How do you know when your marriage is finished, kaput, dunzo?

In my case, it was when a friend drove over to meet me during a Monday morning hike, sat me down on a log, looked at me with a troubled expression, and told me my husband had been spotted the day before at a local park with a woman he introduced as his girlfriend. This is the same husband who, after said hike, called me on his phone while driving the Walking Vagina—unbeknownst to me—to dine with him in a nearby town.

I remember the conversation. We chatted about his therapy, his plans for the coming week, he asked about the kids. It was all perfectly nice and normal. Only it wasn’t. Because while we were talking, he was tooling around with the woman he cheated on me with, who I’d assumed he’d set aside (silly me) so he could focus on getting therapy and figure out what the next steps were for us (if any).

When I confronted him in a rage-filled texting frenzy, I was told he’d done nothing wrong, he thought I didn’t want to know about the Walking Vagina, that he’d never said they weren’t still seeing each other, yada, yada, yada.

And that, right there, was the moment I knew with absolute clarity and conviction I was finished with him. I picked up the phone, called a lawyer, and started gathering myself together for the next phase of our lives. Of my life.

So that’s my story. 

And you, dear reader? Are you perusing this post because you are looking for clarity in your own unfortunate situation? If so, I send you virtual hugs, a box of virtual tissues, and a tall bottle of virtual tequila.

The truth is, when the time comes to throw in the towel, you will know it just as you know the names of your own children. You will feel it in your bones. And while you may have moments of doubt, likely fueled by fear of the unknown...even then, those doubts won't last long enough for you to change your mind. 

This I can promise you.

How to Tell When Your Marriage is REALLY Over - Part ONE

Several weeks into our separation, my husband asked me if I would be willing to speak with his therapist on his behalf because, “You know me better than I know myself.”

I agreed and figured it was a good opportunity to vent, at the very least.

During that meeting, his therapist told me something I have since found to be true: “There will come a day when you will know, without a doubt, that your marriage is well and truly over.”

At the time, I remember thinking it can’t be that simple! I was so filled with confusion about the future that the thought of ever having any clarity about “us” seemed farfetched and unlikely.

My husband and I had been married for just over 10 years. Our marriage began its slow but relentless nosedive shortly after the birth of our first child.

It wasn’t like you see on TV or in the movies. There were few bitter fights, and even fewer whispered shouting matches behind closed doors. We got along pretty well, for the most part, and when we made the time to go out together, we seemed to enjoy one another’s company. We even agreed on a number of things: politics, parenting styles, food, movies, travel… But our physical intimacy hit rock bottom (as in zero sex) after child number two, and we seemed to drift in and out of one another’s lives from that point on, like amicable roommates rather than husband and wife. 

Yet for many years, due to his work schedule, I was in an enviable position: yes, I was doing the majority of the child rearing and running of the household, but I had a fantastic budget—courtesy of said husband—and once the kids were in school, I had tons of free time during the mornings and afternoons to do with as I pleased. I was able to rediscover myself, make new friends, and crawl out of that place all mothers go to when they are deeply immersed in caring for their young children.

Yet I also felt incredibly lonely and bitter. So, apparently, did my husband.

See, my husband suffers from debilitating anxiety and depression. He’s had it for as long as he can remember and worked tirelessly for years to try and manage the symptoms, with mixed results.

Marriage to someone with depression (and a side of anxiety) is a lot like living with a giant but invisible skunk in the middle of your house. It stinks to high heaven and is hard to ignore but just when you think you’ve located it, it’s gone. And just when you let down your guard and think it might not return, it’s back again, smelly as hell, but in a different location.

His mood swings and uncertainty weren’t easy to deal with early on in our marriage, but adding two children to the mix took the situation from moderately challenging to DefCon 5. In fact, during the last several months prior to our separation, he’d been in the throes of yet another “dark” period; his darkest yet. This typically entailed long stretches of silence, extreme irritability, detachment, tiredness, and overall loss of interest in pretty much everything.

Which is why, the night I walked into his home office and discovered him Skyping with the woman he’d been cheating on me with for the last several months, my first thought was, “How on earth was he able to find the mental, emotional, and physical stamina to meet and have sex with someone? Not to mention, hide it from me?”

My second thought was, “You f-cking asshole!”