An Open Letter to Unhappy Spouses: Or Five Reasons Not to Cheat

So.

Maybe you're in a loveless marriage...or maybe it's not that bad at all but you just had kids and your wife is too tired to pay attention to you and you're feeling lonely and neglected.

Or your husband works all the time and you feel ignored and bored.

Or you have a legitimately shitty marriage. Lots of fighting, or it's like living with a roommate.

Whatever your story, let's say you have reason to believe the only solution to your marital woes is to have an affair. Maybe you've even picked someone out. Someone who gets you hot and bothered and makes you feel alive in ways your current spouse hasn't for months or years.

I get it. It's a tough place to be, right?

Back at the ranch sits your own personal lump on a log who complains and nags or rarely picks up after himself or has an entire wardrobe consisting of stained sweatpants. And right there, yes...right in front of you, is sex on a stick. Someone who embodies everything you have always wanted in a romantic partner and this one is ripe for the picking.

What to do?

Well...I want to walk you through some of the realities of what happens in these situations. I'm not a therapist, nor am I a specialist in marital relations. But I have good reason to know why having an affair is a hell of a lot more work than it's cracked up to be.

First Point:
If you have children and you get caught cheating on your spouse, there will almost certainly come a time of reckoning. I'm not just talking about the inevitable chaos that will occur in the aftermath of an affair. The part where your kids start to wet their beds or bully kids at school because they are so stressed about the high conflict situation at home.

I'm talking about how at some point in the near or distant future, those children will find out about your actions and will have to try and understand how you, someone they held most dear in their hearts, could do something this shitty to the other parent and, as it turns out, to them. You, who always emphasized treating others with fairness and love. You, who reminded them to look before leaping and think carefully about how their actions might effect others. Your children will never be able to see you again in the same light. Likely they will forgive you for your transgressions. To err is human, after all. But they'll always wonder about you forever after, and question your motives.

And we're not even talking about the therapy hours your kids will rake up as adults thanks to the bond of trust you've broken. Because it's not just their relationship with you that has irrevocably changed. It's their romantic relationships with anyone that will be challenged. Because they've now learned that marriage = conflict and lies.

Second Point:
You WILL get caught. Whether it happens at your funeral when your mistress shows up to bid you a fond farewell. Or when your husband decides to come home early one afternoon to surprise you. The odds of being able to have an affair and not get caught are slim to nil. So before you decide to buy those condoms (please tell me you are using condoms) and meet someone at a secret location...sit down in front of a mirror, look yourself in the eyes, and tell yourself you are totally ok with your spouse discovering what's going on. Because they will.

Third Point:
I'd like to invite you to consider how your parents, your siblings, your friends, the parents at your child's school, the folks at church, your neighbors, the lady who cleans your house...pretty much anyone you have regular contact with, will take the news that you cheated on your partner, bailed on your kids, and continued to pursue a person who you met while you were--happily or unhappily--married. Because if you think no one is going to find out beyond your wronged spouse and her close friends and family, you are dead wrong. Cause that shit is going to spread like wildfire until it comes roaring back in your face with the heat of a thousand suns. So you better be damn sure the new love of your life is worth the trouble of having people look at you like you have a giant ass growing out of your left shoulder. And the same goes for the "other woman" or "other man". Very few but your most supportive and, let's call it like it is, clueless friends and family will welcome this person with open arms. So prepare yourself for a rather humiliating uphill climb.

Fourth Point:
Do you imagine you and your new love will skip merrily down the path together into a happily ever after? That this affair has a chance of lasting beyond the possible demise of your marriage? Time to wake up and smell the coffee.

Let's just say, for example, that the object of your affection knows you have a partner and kids. And he decides to throw caution to the wind and screw your brains out anyway. Or let's say she has no idea until you finally confess all...and she decides to stick around for the long haul anyway because, hell...why not? I don't care if this person works for Amnesty International and nurses orphaned puppies in his spare time. Someone who willingly engages in a relationship with a person who is married is someone who might as well have a giant sign on his or her forehead that says, "I am lacking good judgement and you should run from me as fast as you can."

And let's face it. Any relationship that starts out under false pretenses is doomed. Because once the thrill of the chase and the secrecy and the initial high wears off, and you're left sitting in the ashes of your ruined marriage, you'll also be left with someone who barely knows you and who has already shown him or herself to be minus a strong moral compass. And the truth is...getting into another relationship before you even have a chance to do a post-mortem on your previous relationship is asking for the same old shit to happen ALL OVER AGAIN. Only this time, you'll have a lot fewer people willing to support you because, even though they might not say it out loud, they'll be thinking you got what you deserve and isn't karma a bitch.

Fifth Point:
Let's say you have an affair and realize the gravity of your mistake and find that you really love your spouse and sincerely regret your actions. Let's say you toss the other person aside and beg your partner to take you back and promise to change. Well... good for you for at least making an attempt to repair the damage you did. But there are no guarantees you're going to be able to fix a damn thing. Because while recovery from an affair isn't impossible, it sure is hard. And it requires a level of maturity and patience and love that, well, you are probably lacking because if you'd had those in the first place, you wouldn't have cheated on your partner to begin with.

So. Where does this leave us? Maybe you've read all of the above but you still want to cheat on your spouse. You just can't resist.

I have some advice for you.

Grow a pair and have the courage to sit down with your current partner and tell him or her you are feeling strongly attracted to another man or woman and are worried you are going to act on it. But you respect and care for your partner too much to do that. Allow your partner to rant and rave. Allow him or her to suggest marital counseling or outright ask for a divorce. Take it all in stride and recognize that as tulmultuous as it might be for you for a little while, it's so much better than betraying someone (or, if you have kids, someones) who you care for, even if those feelings have changed over time.

You might find out your marriage is worth fighting for, after all. Or you might find out it's best to cut your losses and go your separate ways. Regardless, you will always be able to reflect back on how you handled things with respect and courage and know you did nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to apologize for, nothing to cause those who know you to shake their heads and say, "But he seemed like such a nice guy!"

And that's worth its weight in gold.

How to Tell When Your Marriage is REALLY Over - Part ONE

Several weeks into our separation, my husband asked me if I would be willing to speak with his therapist on his behalf because, “You know me better than I know myself.”

I agreed and figured it was a good opportunity to vent, at the very least.

During that meeting, his therapist told me something I have since found to be true: “There will come a day when you will know, without a doubt, that your marriage is well and truly over.”

At the time, I remember thinking it can’t be that simple! I was so filled with confusion about the future that the thought of ever having any clarity about “us” seemed farfetched and unlikely.

My husband and I had been married for just over 10 years. Our marriage began its slow but relentless nosedive shortly after the birth of our first child.

It wasn’t like you see on TV or in the movies. There were few bitter fights, and even fewer whispered shouting matches behind closed doors. We got along pretty well, for the most part, and when we made the time to go out together, we seemed to enjoy one another’s company. We even agreed on a number of things: politics, parenting styles, food, movies, travel… But our physical intimacy hit rock bottom (as in zero sex) after child number two, and we seemed to drift in and out of one another’s lives from that point on, like amicable roommates rather than husband and wife. 

Yet for many years, due to his work schedule, I was in an enviable position: yes, I was doing the majority of the child rearing and running of the household, but I had a fantastic budget—courtesy of said husband—and once the kids were in school, I had tons of free time during the mornings and afternoons to do with as I pleased. I was able to rediscover myself, make new friends, and crawl out of that place all mothers go to when they are deeply immersed in caring for their young children.

Yet I also felt incredibly lonely and bitter. So, apparently, did my husband.

See, my husband suffers from debilitating anxiety and depression. He’s had it for as long as he can remember and worked tirelessly for years to try and manage the symptoms, with mixed results.

Marriage to someone with depression (and a side of anxiety) is a lot like living with a giant but invisible skunk in the middle of your house. It stinks to high heaven and is hard to ignore but just when you think you’ve located it, it’s gone. And just when you let down your guard and think it might not return, it’s back again, smelly as hell, but in a different location.

His mood swings and uncertainty weren’t easy to deal with early on in our marriage, but adding two children to the mix took the situation from moderately challenging to DefCon 5. In fact, during the last several months prior to our separation, he’d been in the throes of yet another “dark” period; his darkest yet. This typically entailed long stretches of silence, extreme irritability, detachment, tiredness, and overall loss of interest in pretty much everything.

Which is why, the night I walked into his home office and discovered him Skyping with the woman he’d been cheating on me with for the last several months, my first thought was, “How on earth was he able to find the mental, emotional, and physical stamina to meet and have sex with someone? Not to mention, hide it from me?”

My second thought was, “You f-cking asshole!”